Answering Yahoos

That’s right — Yahoo! Answers just got meta on your ass.

I keep telling the bitch, she’s filling out the wrong forms. She needs to use black ink on a HT439-B, not an HT439-A.

To tell you the truth, though, I don’t think it’s going to happen. I mean, we kind of already have the positions filled, you know? And there’s only so many people you can fit in a single Trinity. Three. It’s three people.

I guess we could kick someone out. I think you know who I’m referring to. Holy Ghost hasn’t been pulling his weight for a while now, but I just don’t want to think about what he’d do if he got laid off. I mean, the guy has close to zero skills, and I think he’s a little retarded. You want to be the one to fire him? Be my guest. But I’m not gonna sit him down and tell him not to come in to work anymore. Especially since last time I saw him he sat on my shoulder and tried to lick my ear.

“First they came for the light bulbs, but I did not speak up, because I was not a light bulb. And then I tripped over because it was dark.”

Preaching to the choir, buddy.

1) How many squirrels, per year, nest in this apartment? Ask for bar charts/evidence.
2) Is there effective protection from the Huns?
3) How much per month does it cost? How many square feet is it? Is there a water meter?
4) Why can’t I sleep at night?
5) Seriously, why can’t I sleep at night?
6) Why do I toss and turn and pray for relief and wait for it to come and scratch at the bed, the walls, my skin, the darkness closes and everything is near and far and god oh god why can’t I sleep?
7) Is dishwasher included?

More like reoccurring questions, amirite?

Don’t sweat it — the name you give your child is totally unimportant. It’s just a label, something useful for getting their attention and claiming their stuff. The real substance of your child’s upbringing, of his personality, of his being will only be influenced by your actual parenting. Worry about keeping him safe, fed, happy and clean. Everything else is better put out of your mind. Your son will still be your son, no matter what you name him. Every name will fit equally well, and every name will sound just as good when you say it to reference, for the first time, a human being that you created out of almost nothing.

The name doesn’t matter. Which is why you should call him Penis Gaylord.

Trust me on this.

I believe that we’re all in agreement that Hollywood needs to option this question and turn it into next summer’s blockbuster. I mean, this story has it all: love; a best friend with a name that is impossible to type into a computer (possibly alien/dolphin hybrid?); and a dojo school. I’m already calling Fandango for tickets.

We don’t even need to see the body of the question here. When someone asks on Yahoo! Answers if they’re imagining something, it’s almost always “ghosts”. The few times they’re not asking about ghosts? They’re still asking about ghosts. That’s how much these idiots ask about ghosts.

To actually answer this particular question — no, your house is not haunted. You are not feeling a “presence”. Stop drinking caffeine so close to bedtime.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure we’re all on some kind of list because we’ve read this question.