Answering Yahoos

The “I’m glad I could help” is what really makes this. You can tell that ‘told you so’ is an altruist of the highest regard. Move over, firefighters! We’ve got a real hero on deck.

Oh! And also they’re wrong. So there’s that.

I’ve just spent half an hour browsing Yahoo! Answers, so I’m craving a blow to the head with a blunt object.

Cricket bat. Kettle. Rock. Baseball bat. Table leg. Candlestick. Lead pipe. Butt of a gun. Anything. Anything to make the pain stop.

…

Actually, a strawberry smoothie does sound nice, lol

I wish I could tell you (especially since you are requesting this information with such a noble goal in mind) but the ultimate swear word is known only to the rich, powerful, and famous.

Your best bet will be to run away from your parents’ home, join the circus, and work your way through the rank until you become the headliner (perhaps as a strongman, or bearded lady, or dancing walrus — do you have a walrus costume?). Hopefully you will be spotted by a talent scout. All the best talent scouts look for fresh blood in travelling circuses.

From there, you will become famous enough to learn the word, and finally get back at your parents.

Also you’ll be rich enough to train a lion to eat them. Which is awesome.

Oh, Yahoo! Answers, how I missed you.

This is full of win.

Birds of prey worrying you, huh? Well, that’s smart thinking, but you seem to be entirely disregarding Hank the Dog-Stealing vampire.

YES. And you’re right on the money with the ‘Marxism’ thing. After all, there’s nothing more un-American than defending our freedom of speech!

WOO PATRIOT ACT, WOO!

That’s right — Yahoo! Answers just got meta on your ass.

I keep telling the bitch, she’s filling out the wrong forms. She needs to use black ink on a HT439-B, not an HT439-A.

To tell you the truth, though, I don’t think it’s going to happen. I mean, we kind of already have the positions filled, you know? And there’s only so many people you can fit in a single Trinity. Three. It’s three people.

I guess we could kick someone out. I think you know who I’m referring to. Holy Ghost hasn’t been pulling his weight for a while now, but I just don’t want to think about what he’d do if he got laid off. I mean, the guy has close to zero skills, and I think he’s a little retarded. You want to be the one to fire him? Be my guest. But I’m not gonna sit him down and tell him not to come in to work anymore. Especially since last time I saw him he sat on my shoulder and tried to lick my ear.

“First they came for the light bulbs, but I did not speak up, because I was not a light bulb. And then I tripped over because it was dark.”