Answering Yahoos

Here’s what’s awesome — “too easy” is both an accurate description of this question, and an accurate answer to this question.

1) Buy some catfish/perch.
2) Put them in the pond.
3) SUCCESS!

I honestly don’t know what else you’d expect from me. Also, the pond “could currently have fish in it”? Schrödinger called, he wants his scenario back.

When I save these as jpegs to later upload, I give them descriptive file names, because memory is semantic. This one was simply called “yikes.”

Still, maybe I’m being a pessimist. Maybe these people have found true love, and are lucky enough to realize it. I can only assume that the gentleman in this relationship was in possession of the lady’s glass slipper. Or perhaps he rescued her from a tower by climbing her hair? Maybe he awoke her from a curse with only his kiss.

Do you get it? Because true love only happens in fairy tales, guys. That’s the joke.

Once in a while on Yahoo! Answers, you’ll find a question that cuts to the very core of the human condition.

This is not one of those questions.

Well, that depends. Are you gonna tell them face-to-face, or go for something more elaborate? A skywriter could run you a pretty penny, for instance, but would certainly be effective.

You could hire a spokesperson, that might be good. Maybe a barbershop quartet — they can sing a little song about your special day, and any friends you have left will be sure to remember.

If I sound like I’m an expert on this situation, it’s because I’ve counseled others on it before. They have problems like this all the time in Sudan.

The “I’m glad I could help” is what really makes this. You can tell that ‘told you so’ is an altruist of the highest regard. Move over, firefighters! We’ve got a real hero on deck.

Oh! And also they’re wrong. So there’s that.

I’ve just spent half an hour browsing Yahoo! Answers, so I’m craving a blow to the head with a blunt object.

Cricket bat. Kettle. Rock. Baseball bat. Table leg. Candlestick. Lead pipe. Butt of a gun. Anything. Anything to make the pain stop.

…

Actually, a strawberry smoothie does sound nice, lol

I wish I could tell you (especially since you are requesting this information with such a noble goal in mind) but the ultimate swear word is known only to the rich, powerful, and famous.

Your best bet will be to run away from your parents’ home, join the circus, and work your way through the rank until you become the headliner (perhaps as a strongman, or bearded lady, or dancing walrus — do you have a walrus costume?). Hopefully you will be spotted by a talent scout. All the best talent scouts look for fresh blood in travelling circuses.

From there, you will become famous enough to learn the word, and finally get back at your parents.

Also you’ll be rich enough to train a lion to eat them. Which is awesome.

Oh, Yahoo! Answers, how I missed you.

This is full of win.